Sorry to get up close and personal with ya but hey, that’s kind of the point of this blog.
Today. You can fucking see it.
My emotionless face illuminates the swollen, pulsating blood vessels. I mean look at the weird wrinkles and divots right above my eyebrows… that’s not natural y’all. That is migraine showing it’s ugly face.
Funnier thing, when I got into work, a coworker asked how I was feeling. I guess my cheeks were slightly flush.
Its crazy for people to actually see my pain because it only ever really happens when I 100% should be in a hospital bed, not work or class or really anywhere. Especially someplace that required operation of a motor vehicle… I ubered to work today, no worries.
But here’s the thing, I went to work. I sold stuff. I interacted with customers. Because guess what. I’ve got bills too.
God. Its this constant battle between do I drop out of school and just work what I can? Do I quit work so I can focus on school?
Well. In my state, I can’t work full-time. My current job – which I love – only offers health insurance to full-time employees.
And here we have the dilemma.
What a glorious concept.
I am so ever thankful for my father who served our country for countless years. Because of this, I am afforded one of the top health insurances this country offers. Until I’m 25. Or at least until I’m out of school. So basically two more years.
But that same health insurance denied me Botox injections. Ironic the same government that approved them for migraines will deny the treatment to the people they provide healthcare to.
I would be lost without health insurance. I mean one of my prescriptions alone is over $500… I pay a measly $11 copay.
Now here’s a kicker… if I drop out of school, I will lose my insurance.
But wait didn’t I just say I had it until I was 25? Yeah, but that’s dependent on me being a “dependent” on my retired, already stretched out covering what they can related to my schooling and health care… parents. They can’t support me to the point of me being considered their dependent if I’m not in school.
But, if I physically can’t work, at least no where near full time… I don’t qualify for health insurance through work.
So, somehow even though I can’t afford all my textbooks because I can’t for the life of me land a scholarship to cover them, I’d have to afford health insurance.
So many people literally live without health insurance because they can’t afford it. I can barely afford to live with it.
Lets be honest. Government healthcare is a joke.
It always will be.
So, its a toss up. Thank God for my boss who is working with me on reduced hours. Hope that once school starts out I’ll be able to maintain those same hours at work while not literally dying from the pain.
Today you could see my pain.
I wasn’t grateful for it.
But I noticed something. Another coworker said for the umpteenth time that “You know for as much pain as you’re in, you certainly don’t show it” and for the first time, I heard it a little differently.
It was genuine.
It gave me the idea. I spend so much time talking from my side of the curtain. I talk on how your voices and comments leave lasting imprints. But, maybe I need to sometimes ask where the comments come from and empathize a little better with those who truly don’t mean harm in what they say.
Stay tuned for a follow up on that topic.