I don’t actually expect anyone to understand anymore. I mean, I reached the point where every aspect of my life, is so different from the able-bodied portion of society that holding any sort of hope seems pointless.
To say I’m struggling, is an understatement.
There’s a month until school starts back up and sadly I discovered how outrageously expensive completing my degree would be if I chose to do so online. So, in one short month, I’ll be back under fluorescent lights with teachers who are very upfront about how burdensome my accommodations are.
I’m lucky that with work I’m being put on a reduced schedule, but that “reduced schedule” won’t mean a thing once classes start up. I’ll be back to pushing myself non-stop.
This whole get a degree while working a job, preferably in your field, to gain experience, to pay your bills, while getting good grades, to get a better job in your field, to pay for the degree you got, isn’t really working for me.
I’m never not in pain.
If I have a few moments of clarity, it doesn’t take long for pain to sink back in.
I don’t want to work. It hurts so much.
I don’t want to go to school.
But, sitting in my dark apartment, staring at the wall isn’t what I’d like to be doing either.
I need my job. Adding it all up, I need roughly $500 extra a month to cover bills outside of my rent. That doesn’t include a single iced coffee or stashing away money for savings or a rainy day. $500 is that bare minimum mark.
But, after sitting and having that awful conversation with my boss about how horrible my health is and being allowed to work much less, that bare minimum is all I’ll bring in if I don’t sell enough to bring home any commission. Luckily, that threshold is lower if I work less hours to begin with.
Yet, I have to go to a job where I don’t feel welcome anymore. I’m not experienced enough and I’m taken advantage of. I’m shown that things are done as a “favor to me” to make me feel bad and hold others in a higher esteem. Its very obvious that I’m “just a kid” and I don’t belong.
I don’t go into work trying to undermine people. I want to sell beautiful things and meet wonderful people from all walks of life. I want to be inspired and help inspire others. But I’m a “know it all”. But I’m “condescending”. Which is crazy since I’m in a brand new job where I couldn’t possibly know it all. But hey, asking questions means I’m questioning authority. Trying to understand or get a look at the bigger picture, isn’t welcome.
I don’t know what to do.
My personality isn’t welcomed.
I must not be very nice. It must be those days when I’m struggling to even see that I’m problematic. It must be those days when I consider just ubering to the ER after my shift that I’ve said something wrong.
Every day I get up just hoping to make it through. There are no goals beyond that other than hoping that tomorrow I’ll wake up and some of the pain will have subsided for a bit.
It doesn’t matter if I put things behind me, people don’t have compassion. People lack empathy. People are just in it for themselves. People get some sort of high off of breaking down those around them.
But I need my job. I have to be okay with feeling utterly worthless because lets be honest, all jobs are like this.
I’d literally kill to have financial independence and just be able to finish up my degree without worrying about how I’ll feed myself.
I’d kill to continue living and suffering on my own, but lets be honest, cutting my rent in half would be a game changer.
The world expects so much of me but ignores that I’m a walking shell of the person I used to be.
I’m fragile. All that exists is the suffocating pain.
But I’m just supposed to suck it up and somehow figure out how to just make it work.
I’m sick of forcing myself to make it work.
I’m sick of people not taking it seriously.