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Fighting Against What I Shouldn’t Do

Here’s a cute little cactus that I got for $1 and color photo because it is gorgeous outside and finally feels like fall is settling in to the Lowcountry.

But don’t let the warm colors confuse you, I feel like shit.

Oh how I would love to pack up the new books I got and drive down to Folly and spend the day enjoying this weather. But that something that isn’t in the cards and shouldn’t be something I even consider when I’m feeling like this.

There’s actually a whole lot of “shouldn’t”s that I’ve noticed and somehow still can’t move past.

Like today, I glanced at the clock. 2:30 PM. I shouldn’t be fighting off the overpowering urge to go to sleep. But here I am, pouring myself an ice cold glass of water and distracting myself in an attempt not to nap.

Yes, my body needs a lot more rest than your average 20 year old. But, when I can barely sleep at night, why should I be taking a nap only hours after I’ve crawled out of bed?

This weekend, my brother is getting married. I should be excited. I shouldn’t be calculating my energy for an entire week prior. I shouldn’t be planning to take my own car and figuring out what phrasing will be best if I do need to leave early.

Yet, here I am. I’ve been bogged down with unbearable pain all week. To the point where even the lightest variation of yoga is a no go. And I keep telling myself, even if I could go do something minor, that I’ll pay for it Sunday when I’m supposed to be at a wedding. But let me tell you that the “spoon theory” is false and there really isn’t a way to gauge how many “spoons” I’ll have in a few days in relation to how many “spoons” I tried to conserve this week.

Most importantly, I shouldn’t be spending every good moment wishing for something else, something better.

I made the conscious decision to leave my job. I made the decision to leave school. I made the decision to not fight for one or the other. I made the decision to leave my apartment and move home.

So why am I fighting so hard against it?

The thought crosses my mind that maybe there isn’t enough evidence to receive money from Social Security, so I spend hours upon hours researching jobs in my area. Debating about which of my previous jobs I’d actually want to go back to. Researching jobs I can do from home.

Suddenly I find myself in the depths of new universities and programs of study that I don’t even know if I’m interested in. For some reason being a rocket scientist doesn’t sound too bad.

But it’s bad if I don’t get better. And by better I mean almost pain free because astrophysics isn’t an easy career field, and I couldn’t wing that like I did architecture and interior design.

Now say I have a conversation with someone when I’m feeling okay. Somehow that conversation finds its way back to education and jobs and getting my own place again. It’s this endless loop.

My brain has a disorder. But my disorder won’t inform my brain of this.

Which leaves my brain constantly bouncing back to the things it shouldn’t.

And its just me.

Not a single person around me expects anything from me.

When they ask what my plans are for the day, they aren’t insinuating that I need to have plans. They’re just making conversation.

But I can’t shake this feeling that I need to do everything and I need to do it now.

I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do.

John Mayer had it all right:

It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul
Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

A.

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