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Stop Trying to Burn Out My Light

Yes I still have Christmas lights up, but in my defense I haven’t purchased overhead lights and these are the only lights I own…

Speaking of lights… I’ve got one. I’ve got this great, powerful spark that is embedded in my soul. It is a part of who I am. It makes me push on through the dark days. It makes me smile at every unhappy soul I encounter on a daily basis. It makes me ask stranger how they are when I pass them on the side walk.

So why is everyone so intent on putting that spark out?

I am one of the fortunate few who doesn’t have to battle depression that is so often paired with migraine. It baffles me that people can see something I’m passionate about and make me feel bad about it or the way I approach it. It baffles me that people want me to direct my energy someplace different. Isn’t it enough that I’m sitting having a conversation with you about something I’m passionate about rather than the pulsing veins I feel in my head? Or the nausea that came over me in the middle of our conversation?

You don’t want to hear about my illness. But you don’t want to hear about anything positive.

For so long I have lived my life surrounded by the wrong type of people, but as these people keep showing up in my life, I begin to question what are the right type of people?

For so long, every aspect of everything gets turned back on me. It doesn’t matter if I have a bad day, its automatically my fault. It doesn’t matter if I’m just venting about something not as dramatic, somehow its my fault.

It never matters how much I listen to other people, at the end of the day no one wants to listen to me. So thank God I live alone and I’ve got a very trusting teddy bear who is all ears, because no offense most people make me feel like shit when I express anything.

Its crazy to me. I uprooted my whole life to pursue an education I would actually be passionate about and yet, when I talk about my projects, or my new apartment, or new furniture I want to get it isn’t taken well. I’ve found something that makes me so happy, but I have to celebrate in silence because no one actually cares if I successfully hung a curtain rod all by myself. Certainly no one cares that I’m desperately searching for a gold coffee table with a faux marble top. Its too extravagant. My budget isn’t realistic. I should stick to resale shops.

No offense, but I’m studying interior design for a reason. I work in a high end customer furniture store, for a goddamn reason. Why is it so unexpected that I have a few hundred dollars to work with and am willing to spend my hard earned money on INTERIOR DECORATIONS.

People put me down in my own environment because obviously I’ve stepped out of place. People put me down for wanting something nice for myself. I immediately go from some excited kid in a candy (furniture – we all know I mean furniture) shop to a self absorbed, high maintenance, entitled millennial. All because I don’t want to settle. You probably wouldn’t want to settle either if you were going to spend $200 on a coffee table.

But I’m sorry I ever bothered to get excited about something. I should just not express when I’m excited about something. I’ll tell my bear, like I said he’s all ears.

No one likes to see my pain stricken face, or my bloodshot eyes. No one likes to watch me attempt to maneuver and see me tighten up, or move so slowly as to not agitate anything, or just not even try to move.

No one wants to see the hard times, so why, may I ask, is everyone so intent on burning out the only light that keeps me going?

-A

P.S… this is the coffee table I’m obsessed with. Only problem is I think I need something a few inches shorter in length. Maybe something square that’s similar. (It’s from Pier 1)

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