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The Let Down

There’s a whole other side to this migraine world that I find myself trapped in. Its this foggy, blurry, not level world that isn’t understandable. It is hard to explain. It’s this place that I find myself in this morning.

I think I rolled around for an hour before attempting to get out of bed, knowing, just knowing, how heavy my head was going to feel. Then I stood in front of the coffee maker trying to make coffee to take with my medicine. I knew which medicine to take. I know what this medicine does to me if its really the medicine I need… But what does the knowledge of the side effects and potential dangers mean if I know that I can stop the throbbing pain? Nothing. That’s why I’ve continued to have this treatment on hand for the past 3 or 4 years.

I could eat, so that was a step in the right direction. Yesterday I struggled to even look at my food.

As I stared into my makeup cabinet, I didn’t even know where to begin. I could barely distinguish the bottles from one another. My meds had kicked in. My head wasn’t throbbing, but any sense of depth perception or spatial awareness or any sort of clear vision was gone. So I put my makeup on relying on muscle memory.

Then the nausea set in. So the nausea medicine was taken. But now I can’t even really feel the ground I stand upon. I stand in my closet trying to pick out the softest garment to wear to work. Trying to pick out an outfit that won’t require any sort of fabric or jewelry coming anywhere close to my neck or throat. Trying to pick an outfit that won’t be tighter on my waist. Trying. But my thoughts are garbled. I reach for something and put it on, and its not what I had been trying to reach for.

So I stare at myself again in the mirror, completely recognizing that their is no way I’ll be coordinated enough to curl my hair – luckily it isn’t bent weird from sleeping on it, so natural hair it is. But if I don’t have coordination to curl my hair… how do I justify getting in my car and driving?

I can’t. I probably wouldn’t even make it down the stairs without falling.

So here it comes… the let down.

I have to be at work by 11:30. But that isn’t possible. These side effects of my medicine working should pass, but I’ll be late to work.

Oh what I’d give to just take the whole day off, but that’s pointless, especially if I feel better enough in a few hours. One of the hardest things is sending that text to your boss saying you’re going to have to come in late. Especially not knowing if that “late” will really be only an hour or perhaps two.

The uncertainty. Knowing I’m letting everyone at work down. Knowing the huge inconvenience I put on everyone there. Knowing I had a plan of everything I was going to accomplish this morning before going to work.

Knowing that I could have just not taken my medicine and potentially just be in extreme pain.  But is that even a realistic thing to question? Probably not.

So here I sit. Waiting to hear back from my boss. Waiting for these side effects to calm down. Waiting for my diffuser to calm my heart rate. The nausea has subsided. The room isn’t spinning as much. But my depth perception is still screwy.

Waiting to feel good enough to make the drive into work. Waiting to be done with work so I can crawl right into bed. Waiting for another day where I don’t feel so awful. Waiting for my furniture to arrive tomorrow, while ignoring that my migraine app says it will be a bad day.

Waiting for the day that a treatment will be introduced that doesn’t make me feel like a druggie.

I know I’m here. I can feel and sense everything around me. But I don’t feel like I’m in my body. Its separate from me. I put cool fingers on my forehead and I know I’m doing so, but it doesn’t feel connected to my body.

-A

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