My good days make me feel like a fraud.

That’s insane right?

I mean I feel like I could count those days on my fingers.

April 15th

I got a new plant. It was the cutest little cactus with a pink top. I named it Ms. Pigtails. She had her own special spot in my windowsill. I spent a solid hour trying to properly re-pot the dang cactus. I killed it in September. Finally tossed it at the end of October.

April 24th

I got a sun tan. Seems pretty minor, but I had made a promise to myself that I had to get more sunshine. If plants needed the sun to survive, then I most likely needed it as well. April was still gorgeous outside, not too hot, not too humid, and I got to spend most of my day outside.

May 12th

Had a movie night with Torie. We watched some movie that had to have originally been done in French about sisters each on the search for who their father was.

May 25th

Went to Target with my mom. Picked out an awesome wicker basket to hold my blankets.

June 21st

I finished hand painting my dishes.

June 22nd **moment of silence for TWO DAYS in a row**

I ventured across town and went shopping for a few new things for my new apartment. It even rained that day and I was okay.

July 12th

Got in a fight with my parents and mustered up the energy to move into my apartment a day early.

July 19th

Spent the evening catching up with my best friend after she’d been in Australia for a few weeks.

August 8th

I deep cleaned my apartment. I’m almost positive this was the day after the whole bug bomb thing where I discovered the apartment was truly infested.

August 27th

I met up with friends at the beach and made new friends. I called it a day and went home while everyone else went to the local bar for drinks and a bite to eat.

September 3rd

I made Tiramisu. Tiramisu that had been planned for the 2nd, but hey we can’t always feel great on the actual holiday…

September 29th

I saw an old friend I hadn’t seen since high school and battled with a very large chair that I somehow got into my car.

October 17th

After spending part of the day packing, I got to spend the evening hanging out with Torie. We got to panic because I stayed so late and we were certain my car would have been towed.

Today. November 8th.

We only have 10 fingers, so I guess I can say I can’t quite the amount of good days on my hands. Which to be honest, should be celebrated that I in fact got more than ten days and the year isn’t even up.

So today marks 311 days since the 1st of January. And my 14th free “good day” of 2019.

I certainly didn’t wake up feeling great, I was overcome by exhaustion and knew if I laid there I would most certainly fall back into a deep sleep… at 9:45 AM… I forced myself up, made my coffee and refrained from crawling right back in bed where I so desperately wanted to be.

As I turned off airplane mode, I encountered an invitation to grab dinner with Torie and I didn’t automatically feel like I had to say no.

I spent the rest of the morning starting some laundry, changing my sheets, and putting away the huge amount of dishes I had from making curry last night.

I felt SO good that I even ventured a block over to Bed Bath & Beyond to grab a kitchen scale and I treated myself to a mini food processor. Thank god for credit card rewards that added up to a $100 gift card because I never would have gotten these on my own.

I stayed feeling good. Even after being in a STORE. One with bright flourescent lights. So, I did the awful thing and wandering aimlessly through the record store on the corner. And the music in their was absolutely blasting. I snagged some Phil Collins, Pat Benatar, Chicago, and Jason Isbell vinyls.

And I still have every intent to going to dinner tonight. On a Friday night. At a bar. Because I can.

And then I’ll come home – despite wanting to go see Doctor Sleep in theaters – and I’ll probably go to bed early.

Because I’m allowed to enjoy my good days.

I don’t have to listen to the subconscious thought that makes me feel like I don’t have an excuse for not being fully employed, or a full time student, or whatever.

Because my good days are the exception.

I have no guarantee that I’ll feel okay tomorrow. I hope I do, because I truly forgot to stop at the grocery store today.

I have no guarantee that whatever flu or cold bug has been kicking my ass this week won’t show its ugly face tomorrow with a vengeance.

I couldn’t even tell you if I’m actually feeling good or if the emergency medication I took yesterday instead of going to the emergency room is just working it’s magic longer than expected.

Maybe today is fluke.

Maybe today will continue until tomorrow.

The hint of stabbing pain in back of my head and the subtle pain in my teeth suggest otherwise. So does the incoming 40 degree temperature drop.

But maybe today is the start of a new chapter and I’ll leave the last 311 days behind me.

A.

Saturday November 9th update: I lucked out and had half of good day today – fading fast but that makes the running total 14 1/2.

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