You know that part of your favorite show or your favorite book that you just can’t stand? It makes you turn off the TV, slam the book closed. You wish you could just skip it, or exclude it from the final product.
But you can’t.
And then you find yourself reaching for it. Because the story is far from over.
My story, is far from over.
And so, if you will, let’s brush the dust from the cover, and allow me to reintroduce myself.
To be frank, we got off on the wrong foot.
When Sam told me I needed to start my own blog because I had a lot of things that needed to be shared, I don’t think I fully heard her. She wasn’t telling me to just write about the bad. Sure, I wrote about some good, but she was coming from a place of addressing controversy. An educational perspective where she witnessed me provide new perspectives to a bunch of people who had never ventured outside the city of Milwaukee who certainly didn’t know what to do with a southern girl in a black women’s civil rights history course. And then the next semester, I continued that constant questioning and altering of perspectives when it came to digging into novels in our English class.
So Sam, this new chapter is for you.
So yes, if you’ve been following along since the beginning, you’re going to be familiar with my migraines. But, boy oh boy, why we spent so long getting to know the ax-man in my head baffles me.
I’m Alex, Alexandra to be more clear. Don’t ever call me that though.
I’m that girl who drove a few hours to go see the sunflowers, only to be much more excited by the giant cornfield at the edge of the sunflowers. So I danced through the corn like some sort of Midwest corn fairy. You’d think with as many times as I’ve driven through Illinois and Indiana, corn would the least of my interests… but you’d be wrong.
I don’t do small talk. I hate it. Actually, I don’t even know what it is… is this where people make references to the weather?
I mean, sure small talk is probably really important, but I can’t ever imagine why someone would choose that as the subject when there’s this whole huge world out there. I want to talk about the stars. I want to talk about your dreams. I want to see what you’re passionate about. I want to go into depth on some random process, like how coffee beans go from plant to the delicious grounds of my Sumatra blend. Let’s debate religion. Show me your favorite song. Tell me about your favorite place in the world.
I love sunsets. And I prefer that the sun has been hidden away all day, so that the clouds are moving out as the sun hits that magical angle making the sky dance with color.
I have a love hate relationship with the beach. For starters, it’s way too damn hot to go if you’re like me and have no interest in going in the water. Also, sand is quite miserable. And there’s often way too many people crowding along the pier. The ocean is terrifying, it’s too immense for me. But, there’s something about the beach, after the sun has set and stars start to come out. The immensity of the ocean collides with that of the sky, and it isn’t as scary anymore. So, I like the beach at night.
I love houses. The details. The options. When we were looking for houses in Pennsylvania, my parents gave me the printouts of homes that could be built. I think this was the first time I fell in love. We never moved there and I’m thankful I moved on from an admiration of colonial homes, because Victorian homes have so much more character and I could probably ramble on for hours about everything I love about them.
But, I don’t want to build houses. I don’t want to work with architects. Been there done that and NO THANK YOU. Maybe I can still utilize my love for all things aesthetic and make the insides of homes beautiful, but I think that’s something intended to be on the sideline of my life.
Dropping out of school was the best and worst decision I’ve ever made. I guess I can say I don’t really know who I am without a deadline for something existing at all times.
I love music. I love the way it makes me feel. I love hearing how the instruments play with the vocals and create something that can change someone’s life. I love the way the artists I look up to, pay tribute in their own songs to the legendary musicians who came before them. I love the way my records sound compared to spotify. I secretly hate when my favorite song from an album gets picked up by radio stations.
I like old cars. I like fast cars. I like tires that are bigger than me. If a beautiful sounding engine goes past, I’ll probably instantly leave whatever conversation is being had to find the car responsible.
I’ve got a bit of gypsy soul.
I have no clue how to actually “do” makeup, but that hasn’t stopped me from putting on way too much and not giving a damn.
I challenge people. A lot. I don’t mean to question authority, but I want to find the best way to do things. I want to innovate. I want to work together. I want to create solutions coming from approaches that aren’t standard.
I’ll play devils advocate more often than not. If you want my opinion, you’re going to have to ask for it, because otherwise I’ll just spend hours countering your argument. I probably should have joined some debate team.
I’ve never had a dog (thanks mom and dad) so I’m going to love your dog as if its mine and I may try and spend more time with said dog than with you.
I want to read more books. I fell in love with One Tree Hill because Chad Michael Murray reading various quotes that summed up some huge theme of the episode and that made me feel enlightened. I also want to write books.
I forgot who I was for a little bit. I realized my answer to what I was doing typically involved watching football. Which, I do love, and these days it’s all I’ve been up to. But, I refuse to lose myself to some chronic condition I have no control over.
So, welcome to Chapter Two. Yeah, I’ll probably have days where I can’t help but talk about the pain, but I have so much else I want to say about everything but the pain. I think I just needed a little push to get on the right track.
My favorite movie helped a bit with that push… “You’re really going to carry my bags? You’re that girl? No, I’m going to change your life. I’m that girl.”