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My Body Picks It’s Battles Too

To start, for all my Wisconsin friends, I present to you evidence that your movie theaters are overpriced and I don’t care if you have fancy dream loungers.

For the rest of you, here is physical evidence that I do, on occasion, leave my house. And yes, those numbers increase dramatically during the best month of the year.

Leaving my house today was hard.

I’ve spent this past weekend fighting to breathe… literally. Guess who has a sinus infection.

Today I got antibiotics.

When I’m actually sick sick, my body seems to be forced into making extra considerations. It decided oh what’s going to hurt worse. Is migraine going to be the bad guy, or is whatever this new ailment going to take over for the time being.

It’s oddly refreshing to be honest. No, I wouldn’t enjoy not sleeping at night because I can’t breathe and having all the pressure move to the front of my face all of the time. But it’s a different type of “pain” and maybe in knowing it will go away, makes it acceptable.

So, because I’ve been sick, I’ve actually been feeling okay these past few days.

Which is a really hard slap in the face.

Yeah, sure I was sleepy, but that was because my body was fighting off a virus.

Sure, I have a sinus headache, but would you expect anything else with a sinus infection?

Hell, Sunday I woke up early and ran for my early morning cup of coffee.

I haven’t been able to do that in years.

Monday was foggy and I got in to see my doctor.

Today was okay.

I was doing fine until I had to wait half an hour in Walgreens. After a few minutes, I was extremely aware of the overhead fluorescent lights. But once I was out, I was okay.

I got home, and sat in the dark. Waiting and conserving my energy to go see The Nun with my mom.

Another thing I haven’t done in a really long time. 

And, in deciding that I was okay enough to go, made me question, why am I not okay enough to go get a job. I mean, I’m sure I could walk into the Arhaus here and see if they have any openings. Or I could walk into my old waitressing job. I know they have openings.

Maybe I could take the time to drive around to the local schools and sit down and talk about starting classes back up.

I mean, my dad said just the other day that he can see me getting better. Maybe he’s right.

But, then I realize, I’ve fallen back into the habits that got me here in the first place.

I’m not expressing my pain. I’m ignoring it to run to the doctors. To grab a coffee. To see a friend. To eat dinner with my parents each night.

From the outside, I’d think I was getting better too.

But, as my mom and I made our way to the car, I opened the door and was met with a rush of heat. I rushed to grab a peppermint to distract myself from the nausea.

I could tell as I was driving, how carefully I was watching the white lines. How aware I was of where I was in my lane.

As we entered the movie theater, the overpowering aroma of stale popcorn and fake butter rushed through my veins. I barely noticed my mom getting the tickets as I was so focused on trying to evade the popcorn smell.

By the time we had taken our seats, the remnants of overheated candy melted into the theater carpeting, stale spilled beverages coating the trash can, and a thick, humid cloud of must had taken the place of the popcorn.

I would have given anything to just walk out… but who throws away a perfectly good movie ticket. The air conditioning must have been broken, and to be honest this theater needs a serious remodel or demolition. I coated myself in peppermint oil, in hopes of cooling myself down and once again slowing down the nausea.

It’s been so long since I’ve been to a movie theater. I forgot how animated the “previews before the previews” are. I swear, at some point the objects on the screen were just spinning.

The movie itself was phenomenal.

But, it took me a few minutes to re-acclimate myself to be good to even drive home.

As I lounged on the couch, I tried to converse with my parents.

It became increasingly clear that my body was done. I was paying for my actions of the day. Maybe the antibiotics had kicked in and with it, my migraine.

My cheeks got heavy. My words got lost. It felt as if I was 3 drinks in with the way the room spun about and how I couldn’t focus on anything. But, I was drinking water. I could feel my teeth begin to pull together. Fighting the nausea.

Now the pain is here. I can stand without falling over. The screen is painful to look at. Thoughts aren’t as easy to compile. I want to go to sleep, but laying down will hurt.

Being sick when you’re sick is frustrating.

I felt accomplished.

I’m curious to see if I’ll bounce back tomorrow or if I’ll spend the day in the dark, in agonizing pain.

I think that’ll be the only real indicator.

If I’m truly improving, my recovery time might show it best.

Leaving my house today was hard. It showed the world a different person. It showed my parents a different person. It even tricked me for a bit.

A.

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