One whole day. I have this entire day, no commitments, no doctor or therapy appointments, I don’t even need to go out and grab groceries.
I had plans this evening. Canceled.
Because my “day off” doesn’t get to be a day off.
I’ve already almost punched in 40 hours this week, not including therapy and doctors appointments that stretched the days out longer.
So now, I finally have a day where normal people would lay back and relax. Binge watch some Netflix. Grab food with friends.
But chronic migraine doesn’t allow that.
I don’t know what it is about this disease, but for some reason I can push through endless work days and appointments and accomplish a ton, but the second I have a day to myself, all the stabbing pain and fatigue crash down onto me.
I didn’t get home last night until after 10:30 because we had things to finish up at work. By the time I got home, I couldn’t just collapse into bed, so I was up much later than normal.
I could feel my steady 6 of a migraine, growing to a 7 and then an 8. I awoke to a screeching 9. I could barely muster the energy to turn off my alarm.
By the time I managed to drag myself from my bed and get coffee brewing I was met with the disaster of my apartment. You know, the combination of migraine brain that causes me to become a tornado when I walk through the house and the nonstop working so dishes haven’t been touched and shit there’s no food that’s cooked.
Piles of stuff everywhere. Dishes piled by the sink. Mail piled on my coffee table. Blankets piled on the couch. 2 planners and various schedules pilled on the floor where I have my calendar propped. Shoes and bags piled by the door. And my car keys in a coffee cup?
This week has been so busy that I’ve put off “cooking” from Sunday to today. Fingers crossed my groceries haven’t all gone bad.
But how do I bring myself to cook? My head weighs a thousand pounds. My eyes only stay half open, but I can’t close them because that hurts too.
I certainly can’t do my PT exercises.
What did I want to do today? Nothing. What am I supposed to get done today? All sorts of things.
Yeah sure, there’s plenty of people who work full time and spend their days off running errands and cleaning around the house, but I spend my days off debating on if I should go to the hospital or just curl up and hope it subsides.
I’ll be met tomorrow with “how was your day off” and the likes. I’ll be chastised for not wearing red for our huge sale… but there’s no possible way I could drive to the store and find red shirts in my condition…
I guess the point is that I don’t really get days off.
I wish people could see that. Whether it’s coworkers who tell me to enjoy days off when those days off I’ll be in class all day or if it’s professors wishing me a good weekend, when I’ll be working the whole time. Mostly, people who refuse to acknowledge that just because we “had plans” doesn’t mean I’ll magically feel better to go through with those plans.
Thankfully those people are slowly dwindling in numbers.
So here’s to my lazy day off where I’ll spend most of it uncomfortably seated on my couch wishing to be anywhere else.