But I Can’t Cry

There is only one thing that exists in this entire world that provides clarity to this disease. I know, without a doubt, that crying triggers a migraine worse than any migraine I regularly experience. Strong enough to remain more powerful than any combination of drugs or essential oils or hot showers or ice packs.

So here I am.

Oh my god I would give anything to wrap up in my blanket and shove my head into a pillow and have on of those really deep, really painful cries where I end up screaming into my pillow until I fall asleep because crying has taken it all out of me.

But, you see, I can’t do that.

I can’t justify the amount of pain I’d be putting myself through, just to allow myself to cry it out.

I quite literally have an extra sinus cavity that flares up and blocks the larger sinus cavity from releasing snot, which creates a really unbearable migraine that only time can alleviate as the swelling goes down.

My new doctor didn’t tell me that in order to get these infusions to help stop this intractable migraine I’ve had since September that I’d need to go through with a series of tests and get bloodwork done. No, he responded to my saying I was starting a new job so I couldn’t go through with it until I spoke with my new boss, with “call the office once you talk to your boss and we’ll continue with this process then”

I got my start date pushed back 6 days. That alone was a conversation that made me want to burst into tears. My new boss seems amazing and understanding and happy to work with me, but I had to request an accommodation before I even started. Screw this condition.

But when I called the office, no one was there to answer. Their lines were busy and my voicemail message was probably never even listened to.

Now its Friday morning, I’ve left another message and reached out via the online “Ask a Question” portal. Now its noon. I receive word, through the online portal, that I have to complete the ordered tests before they can send orders to an infusion clinic.


But, now we have the problem where I left the hospital at 2:30PM on a Friday.

My test results weren’t even sent to my doctor until Monday morning. You know, the Monday morning I anticipated starting the infusions.

I called the office 3 more times and sent 2 more messages.

It’s 3:30PM on Monday. I’ve finally heard back. My doctor is out of the office all week. They’re waiting to hear back from another doctor regarding the tests before they can send in the orders for the infusion clinic.

I can go through with only 4 days of infusions rather than 5. But what are the odds orders will be sent and that the clinic will even have openings throughout the rest of this week? I’m thinking kinda slim.

So here I am. Finances stretched because I should have been enjoying my first day on the job today. Emotions stretched. Patience most certainly stretched.

I’m beginning to think that sitting at home in limbo is actually making my migraine worse. At least if I was out moving around I could say I accomplished something.

I don’t think I’ll get to go through with this procedure. I certainly can’t afford to push back my start date even further.

Maybe I’ll get in this week. Maybe the orders will have a time frame on them and I’ll discover that my work schedule has a four day period in between work days (improbable) that I can schedule this procedure for sometime next month.

But right now, I just want to cry. I want to let all my emotions go crazy. I want someone to hold me as I shake because I’m allowed to be upset and disappointed and overwhelmed and scared and unhappy and sad.

But I’m not allowed to cry.


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