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My Head Literally Isn’t On Straight

Okay let’s face it, I don’t know what to do, who to talk to, or how to face life at the moment.

I’ve got 3 group presentations next week, 1 other presentation, 1 6 page long essay to write, and 4 more exams to study for. But I’m also in the middle of an intense job search and interviewing with potential employers. But I also found out that my C1 vertebrae doesn’t move the way its supposed to. But I also ended up in the ER this week. But I also found out my siblings father had a stroke. But my entire paycheck didn’t get deposited into my account.

And just like that, everything just stopped.

I don’t know how to move forward.

I don’t know how to address school, doctors, or future employers. I don’t know how.

So I finally saw a chiropractor. He was real nice. But here’s the problem, no one in their right mind has over $2000 to spend on getting your neck realigned to where its supposed to be.

Problem number 1: My C1 vertebrae. That lovely bone doesn’t move the way it is supposed to. When I move my head backwards, it should move down, but instead it moves up.

Problem number 2: my C2 vertebrae has a very limited range of movement.

Problem number 3: my C3, C5, C6, and C7 vertebrae don’t move.

Problem number 4: Something somewhere is degenerating. He said to me he was shocked to see it especially in someone as young as myself. I’m 20, whether he’s referring to bone degeneration or muscle degeneration.. I’m 20… That shouldn’t even be a thing.

Problem number 5: My head is actually shifted forward so the weight isn’t properly being transferred to my neck. Finally something that makes sense, I could tell you all about load distribution and the such.

Which leads to the bigger concerns, like my immediate need to see an orthopedic surgeon and have a few more tests run. Like now.

I don’t see my new headache specialist for another 2 weeks. I can’t wait 3 months to see some specialist. I need tests run and I need them now.

Maybe the worst part is, is I finally have some idea of an answer. This chiropractor has this laid out plan of how he intends to treat my neck and improve the condition. I’ve never in my life been presented with a plan of treatment for migraine that didn’t involve killing my liver with new pain medication.

But $2000 is a hefty price to not be covered by insurance. Especially when regular doctors yes I’m cringing as I say that but regular doctors are covered.

So here I am, laundry list of tasks to get done and I can’t find the motivation anywhere to do any of them. I can’t figure out how my finals mean anything, how anything means anything, when by back is degenerating.

I’m afraid to do yoga. I don’t want to further hurt anything. I’m afraid to slouch on the couch. Does my posture affect this? I’m afraid to find out that maybe my migraines are actually just a symptom of something else. Because even though it could be a symptom, what if what its a symptom of, is just as irreversible and life altering as chronic migraine.

And of course, my medical packet for my new doctor came in today. There was a whole section about mental health and questions regarding if I was depressed or wanted a referral to a mental health specialist. Like no. My mental health is fine. My neurological health not so much. But its crazy, I’ve never been depressed. If anything, I’m terrified. But not depressed.

-A

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